When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yes, if we have problems with our friends and family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and argument. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change.
Thich Nhat Hahn
Is it possible to, with awareness, cultivate an attitude of care, understanding, and love for one another? Why is it easier to not have judgment about a lettuce plant, than it is a dear friend or family member? Is it easier to become curious with regard to the lettuce, than it is to become curious for our friends and family? What do you feel in your body when you have an urge to blame or argue with someone close to you? Is it at all possible to imagine a space in which to hold that feeling, that urge to react? May we breathe into that space? Breathe into that discomfort? Breathe into that desire to blame, judge and argue. Just stay in this moment. How does that feel? May we bring curiosity to this moment? May we wonder what this person needs? Is he or she tired and in need of rest or sleep? Is she or he thirsty or hungry? Is she or he just needing someone to listen? Is it possible that I am hungry or in need of sleep or rest, that contributes to my challenge to remain steady in this moment? May we hold that space for all with kindness and love?
Feelings of compassion and lovingkindness for others can be developed and refined.
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Like joy and a sense of well-being, compassion for others and loving-kindness are currents native to our hearts and minds and so are already present. Perhaps they are simply unattended and unobserved, obscured by the overgrown vegetation of our usually entangled minds, preoccupied as they often are with our endlessly driven agendas…
… Awareness might then serve as an open doorway into new ways of being in relationship to the full repertoire of our emotional life- without having to do any work at all or having to become a new or different kind of person.
Jon Kabat Zinn, Mindfulness for Beginners
I recommend a practice called 20 Breaths Practice created by Michael Baime, MD from the Penn Program for Mindfulness.
The 20 Breaths practice serves to keep our mind steady with minimal distraction, as you settle into formal practice, or any time during the day, when you feel the need to settle.